A ‘back of the cupboard’ review – ‘Kane & Lynch: Dead Men’ gets a dusting down…

Posted: November 24, 2011 in Review

Sit down, Mr Kane.  I’d just like to ask you some questions.

 

Am I being charged here?

 

Well, maybe you are, maybe you aren’t.  Up to you to fill us in best you can.  If you can justify what went on perhaps you’ll walk out of here a free man.

 

OK…let’s get started then, just means the sooner I get out of here.

 

So Mr Kane (flips through game manual), says here the first time we hear about you is in 2007?  Apparently there’s another fracas involving you in 2010 but, for today, let’s concentrate on 2007.

 

Fine by me…

 

Got yourself in a mite of trouble didn’t you, Mr Kane?

 

A little, made for a promising story being busted out of custody though…

 

Can you fill us in on what happened exactly?

 

Well…difficult to give you all the detail… things were a little hazy, people were speaking without moving their lips, everything seemed to flicker…

 

Says here you opened fire on the police department?

 

Hell yes, they were firing on me!  Didn’t hit that many though…

 

Were you concussed?

 

Yeah, I might have been.  Don’t know how else my aim could have been so clumsy.  Arm just felt like someone had nailed a long, stiff piece of wood to it – really unresponsive.  Felt sluggish, really difficult to set my aim…

 

Managed to shoot and injure some officers?

 

Think so, don’t what chickenshit gear I was packing though.  It said machine gun but I must have put half a dozen bullets into some of the uniforms and they still didn’t go down even though the recoil was massive.  It also sounded like I was using a BB gun rather than serious hardware.

 

Doesn’t sound very realistic, Mr Kane.

 

Well, like you said, I must have been concussed or something.

 

OK, let’s move onto the bank heist…

 

I was trying to save my family!

 

Calm down, Mr Kane, we’re just filling in the blanks here.  Again, there’s clear evidence here that you used firearms on law enforcement.

 

I had no choice!  Although everyone was telling me to be careful there was no real stealth option.  I was pretty much forced to off every officer in the area just to go forward.  That time, trying to get into the vault, I even had to retrace my steps back out of the bank and shoot a uniform left standing outside before my colleague would open the bloody door!

 

Again, I have to say the whole thing doesn’t sound very realistic, Mr Kane.

 

You’re telling me, and I haven’t mentioned the van we escaped in yet, must have had the worst suspension in history the way everything seemed to jump up and down during my little chats with Lynch.

 

Ah yes, Mr Lynch, your associate. Helpful?

 

He was clearly insane as his actions in the bank showed but he behaved as well as any of my team when given an instruction.

 

Not very well then.

 

You’ve got the file, read it for yourself.

 

You showed remarkable resilience throughout your little adventure, Mr Kane.

 

There are reasons for that – I got shot a hell of a lot and my friends had a shitload of adrenaline shots to get me back on my feet.

 

Why not use cover?

 

Yeah, good question.  Walls around here must be funny or something but half the time I went for cover I just ended up running into them and, when I did find some environment that wanted to cover me, I still ended up getting hit by bullets.  You police using ammunition that goes around corners now?!

 

Sounds like you were up against it then?

 

I wish – like I said, the walls were pretty evasive. S’ok though because your officers were pretty dumb anyway.  I saw them dry humping walls that weren’t there and take cover behind features that were only knee high. Huh, huh. They looked pretty stupid.

 

We can’t all be born with such high levels of intelligence as yourself, Mr Kane.  I notice that a few of your friends apparently stood rather obligingly in the open to get shot at as well.

 

I can’t vouch for them, perhaps they had a death wish or something.  Sure made it easy just to send them ahead as bait, especially as your guys seemed to spawn from nowhere when those mugs crossed a certain point.

 

(Silence)

 

So, after our discussion and all the things that went wrong, are you sticking with your story, Mr Kane? Your whole adventure sounds like a very old fashioned experience, not the kind that this generation sees at all.

 

Yeah, I guess I am.  My story is an interesting one, just presented in an incredibly frustrating and rough round the edges way – I’m no storyteller.  The people pulling my strings in the background must have had other things on their mind, I’ve heard something about an agent 47?…

 

Oh, come now, Mr Kane, they say that Agent 47 is nothing but a myth…but who knows?  Let’s hope rumour of a second sequel for you is more unlikely…

 

(Game manual is slapped shut)

 

Time’s up, Mr Kane.  Nice try but we’re charging you anyway.

Broken promises, eh, copper?

After your two outings, you should know all about those, Mr Kane.

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